Love in My Life

Blah... interesting thing it is...love. It can arouse so many... weird feeling and reactions in a person. Tightness of the chest, an embarrassed yet happy feeling, a mind that sometimes goes crazy over the person one has in mind... wow.

haha but I think it must be nice to have a partner... girlfriend that is. I imagine that a guy would be very happy to have one... haha yea, I've never had one before, but that doesn't mean that I've never fallen in love before.

haha when I was in grade school, I knew this girl named Kelsey Deleany (think that was how you spelled her last name. She was a pretty cute girl as I remember. She lived a few houses down the street I used to like in. haha I used to live on 80 Everygreen Avenue, New Providence, NJ. It was nice there. When I has a kid, we hung out a lot together. It was nice =).

haha I remember one time, I hurt myself with like, a wooden train track by getting my leg skin pinched really hard and that she rushed to her mom to help me ^^. lol Kills my pride to type this, but she and I played with her barbie dolls. Hey! I was like, 6! I didn't know they were for girls! gezz! ^^. Haha another time, she hid a grade she got back from me. It was a 86 or something, which must've been bad for grade school I guess... don't remember. She got angry at me for looking and after ignoring me for a while, finally forgave me. I said it was okay, but I wish I said "I'm sorry too! for looking." haha but I guess I wasn't that smart and well-mannered then. >< oh well, we got along again. XD

It was so long ago... and I'm not sure what I felt was like, a I like you feeling or just the new feeling of a guy hanging with his first girl friend (not girlfriend) ever. Either way, I had a lot of fun with her.

She was a nice girl. But I think... somehow (I don't remember. some fight? we grew distance?)... we grew apart... and eventually... she moved away... and I never heard from her again. I've always kinda regreted losing my friendship with her. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet her, or the other people I've met in my life ever again. I kinda hope I do. X)

Haha I remember I had another girl friend named Caitlin.... something... never learned her last name ^^". Again, grade school! My bad for not remembering. Anyways, she wasn't exactly cute like Kelsey was, but she was alright. haha she had curly hair and was a bit chubby. She also spoke like... hmm like a proper lady kinda a person. haha. She was a nice person too! And I got along with her well. But... one day, she just disappeared. I later learned that her parents had decided to home school her. I had no way of contacting her either. Sometimes I wonder what happened to her, and if she's still getting homeschooled.

Haha now comes the final girl that I've ever hung out with... until I reached middle school. Sarah... Yoon I think her last name was? Haha I didn't like like her though. Her mother and father were members of my old church and I guess my parents befriended them there. She was a korean girl about my age, I think she was a few months older though. I don't really remember what she looked like... she moved away... and at the same time as Tony, the friend of mine I mentioned in an earlier post. My memories with her are hazy, but I think we had fun together. I kinda recall running around with her on a field at a church event, seeign her at church, hitting a pinata at her b-day party, hanging out with her and tony at my old house... I thikn we really had fun together. ^^

Well anyways, recently, I've begun to think that I have no interest in any girl in my grade, and have thought that I'll just have to wait, hope, and see what happens in college. All the girls I know have boyfriends, are out of my league (or at least I feel that way), wouldn't get along with me in a realationship, or are just girls that I don't really want as a girlfriend.

haha after my "crushes" (I quote it cuz like I said before, I'm not sure if I likesd them as friends or more-ish) in grade school, I've only actually liked one person... though recently, though I don't want to admit it, there maybe be a second. haha her name was AZ. Truthfully, I think I only liked her for two reasons. One, I thought she was someone she actually wasn't. And two, I liked her during my junior year, which is when she became my friend. (unfortuneately, I didn't get to know her well until serior year... haha if I knew then what I knew now I problably wouldn't have liked her like I did). Like I've mentioned a few times before... junior year... bad. Like really bad. Now that I think about it, I always tried to talk to her. Me talking with her was like, the highlight of my day at the time. I guess a lot of my feelings for her were fueled by the badness of my life at the time.

Haha I remember having a killing feeling in my chest when things didn't really go the way I wanted when I talked to her. There are still times when she's just completely like blah. Nonreceptive to my presence really. But now, I just don't care. At all ^^. Haha I even secretly gave her valentine's day chocolate. Though, I kinda got aggravated by the fact that she cared more about how it got there rather than the gesture itself. I mean seriously, that kinda ruined it for me. haha oh well. I kinda regret ever liking her now, but I just gotta move on and junk.

Now comes my most recent issue. I'm really confused now. I don't know whether I like this girl or not... and even if I do, I'm not really sure if I should like her at all. She's a very interesting girl. I have fun when I'm with her. haha I'm not afraid to act as dumb as a want unlike when I'm with my other friends. I worry about her... so here's where it gets kinda complicated... I don't know if this is a love like how a parent loves and worries about his/her kid or maybe if I'm just caring too much or what. Haha I also have the impression that a guy likes her already, though personally, I don't think they relly get along together at all. Haha back then the impression was stronger, but recently, I've been having huge doubts that this impression is correct. I also have the impression that this girl has someone she likes already.

Ugh, but I gotta sort out my own feelings before I worry about anyone else's. I don't understand. When the someone joking asked if I liked her, the idea persisted in my head (not b/c I actually had feelings for the girl, but because I'm easily impressionable) so I quelled this idea with ease. With the two impressions I listed above, I convinced myself that the confusion and difficulties that would come if I admitted to myself that I liked this girl would be WAY too complicated and overwhelming... but now... NOW!!! WHY!!?! I suddenly kinda feel like how I did with AZ! Excited to talk to her and more!!! WHY?!?! I'm suppressing these unsure feelings of mine. Somehow, I really doubt that she would like me back, despite the first impression I mentioned being nearly concluded as wrong.

I... JUST... DON'T... KNOW. DO I LIKE THIS GIRL OR NOT! AHHHHHHH IT'S DRIVING MY MIND INSANE!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OF HER ANYMORE. And my mind is going off on its own thinking ideas of love about her. Ugh. I don't know what to do!!!

I think these feelings first came about because of my excessive care and worry about her... I guess my tendency to worry about other people (which I don't like saying I have since it makes me feel... arrogant (right word?) about myself)... especially girls... turned into feelings?!!?

Ugh. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. For now, I'll try to suppress my "feelings." Hope things work out well for everyone! ^^"